Trying to get it all together...

It's definitely been a while since my last post, which happened to be on my birthday and I have to say that there have definitely been a lot of changes in my life...some for the better and some not so much. I'll start with the better...

I finally have my own place. This is huge for me as I was living with a roommate and in a situation that I had wanted to be out of for over a year. See, I try really hard to please others, many times at my own personal expense. My living situation was one of those times. My roommate at the time, she's nice enough...but I was just very unhappy living with her. I wanted to move out over a year ago but when I approached her she asked me to give her one more year. I really didn't want to but I felt terrible so I said fine. Again, although I was unhappy, I didn't want her to be...so I sucked it up and lived with her for yet another year which proved to be a huge mistake. Now that I'm out of there, she and I don't talk anymore and that's not exactly how I wanted things to end. We are in a bit of a mess with the deposit and where I usually, well, always back down and just take it...this time I feel...no I know I'm in the right and I just can't budge so we aren't really talking. It sucks but damnit...for once I'm sticking up for myself...which I've learned through the ADHD books...isn't always that easy. No, I'm not blaming the ADHD but just saying it's something I've learned as many times that damn ADHD gets in the way of a person's confidence level...as it has mine.

So, that being said, I now live on my own with my two incredible chihuahuas, and that part of my life is happy. Other than that though..things are still a complete mess...which is where you, my loyal readers (if there are any) come into play. I need to get my finances on track..something that is ridiculously hard for me to figure out. Again, not blaming the ADHD but there was a complete chapter on finances and whatnot and how they can spiral out of control for people with ADHD. So, how do I get things on track? What can I do to get things figured out in a way that makes sense in my jumbled up brain?

Who knew that one aspect, finances, could really ruin a persons personality? I am a go-getter. I'm an out-going person. Or well, I was. Lately, I'm only comfortable if I'm home alone. I've never seen myself as a non-social person yet lately, getting me out of the house is almost impossible. I have noticed in myself a huge decline in my desire to be around others and it's well...depressing.

That's all for now. Hopefully my next time writing won't be six months...but then again, who knows? Right now I've gotta get things on track.

Frustration and Exhaustion...

So...I realize it's been awhile but seeing as it's my birthday and I've got absolutely no plans, I feel that it's time to write on here.

Is a symptom of ADHD where you try too hard to make things right? I'm really thinking it is. I always try to make sure my friends are happy, are having a good time and they are doing okay. I wish it was reciprocated even 50% of what I do for others. That whole do unto others thing...it's foreign down here in Florida and yet I keep on trying...and feeling even more let down with each attempt.

Here's the situation. Birthdays have always and will always be something very important to me. When it's a friends birthday...a close friend...a Facebook post or ecard just won't do. I want to see that friend and make sure they are having the happiest of birthdays. Others don't feel the same I'm noticing yet I feel that if they know how important birthdays are to me...I would hope they would know that I want something special done on my birthday. Yeah...unless I plan it and do all the work...it ain't gonna happen.

Let's take for instance my roommate. Lord knows I'm ready to move out and pretty much completely unhappy living here. Have been for almost a year now. We were supposed to end the lease in February, or at least that's when the lease was up, and I told her I wanted to move out but she asked for one more year and I caved. Just one of the many times I suck up the fact that I'm unhappy to make sure others are happy. So, now I'm going on year three of living in my bedroom just to escape hanging out and being around another person...because I'm realizing with each passing day that I really need my space.

But, I digress. Although I've been unhappy....her birthday came so I bought balloons and drinks (spent more than I should've, but I've done that many times because again, their happiness over mine) and paid for my ticket to go on the boat ride. I will say that she put the boat ride together but that's because she has the connections. Regardless, I got balloons and drinks and whatnot, all to make sure she's happy. Now skip forward to today, my birthday. I got a text around 7pm saying sorry I didn't text sooner, happy birthday. That's it. Not to sound unappreciative but F for effort. I'm just hoping she remembers to buy the beer she "borrowed" from me for her best friends birthday party this past weekend.  Somehow I'm finding that highly doubtful since the last thing she "borrowed" (cereal) was replaced by her...only to be eaten again.

Exhaustion.

Next part of the horrible birthday. I'm on a kickball team that is all around awesome. We are known for doing themes each week. I text messaged the captain, who happens to be one of the most awesome people in the world and one of my best friends, to ask what the theme was. Her response was that there wasn't one. So I was like, what about a birthday theme? Yeah...I was already that desperate that I threw it out there that it was my birthday. She said she forgot my birthday was so soon (mind you we are going on a trip this weekend for my birthday...that I planned all by myself...so the birthday wasn't exactly top secret) but I'll get to that later. She told me to text the other captain to have him send an email out. Thanks but no thanks. I don't really want to tell people to come celebrate my birthday. I might as well walk up to people and tell them to wish me happy birthday. Sincerity just isn't there.

No harm, no foul.

So, that was last night, then this morning I went in to work feeling pretty blue about my birthday and it wasn't even 8am yet. Sure, I got a lot of facebook posts, and not unappreciative of those in the least...they were awesome to get throughout the day...but was hoping for a little something more from my friends. So I go into work. I mentioned last week that my birthday was today and I've talked about the upcoming trip for my birthday, numerous times. Nothing. My mom sent me flowers and when people around the office noticed the flowers (around 4pm) they asked why I got the flowers and I said for my birthday. They were like, ohhhh when's your birthday? I was like, today. They said, "Oh...I didn't realize. Oh well, we'll get you next year." And that was that. Thanks guys. I feel very much a "part of the group" for sure. Suck it.

The one saving grace was my very bestest friend asking me to dinner. Granted..she wanted me to drive and meet her halfway b/c she lives a bit north. I was kind of bummed that for my birthday I would need to meet halfway and after driving home from work (which is farther than her place) the last thing I wanted to do was drive a distance again. So, I declined. Then as the night wore on, I realized I needed a friend to talk to so I told her exactly that. I had told her I'd been crying pretty much throughout the day and it's been pretty much....no it's definitely been the worst birthday...and I was in need of a friend to talk to...and she told me she was already home but I could come up to her place. I told her thanks but I didn't want to drive all the way up there again considering I drive that distance for work already and just tired of driving so much.

Oh and the last thing...and I'm sure by now if there were readers, they've stopped, but then there's the ex. He and I have remained great friends. Last night he needed a ride to the games so I picked him up. He left his knee brace in my car. So today he asked if we could meet up. He has my camera and I've got his knee brace so I said sure. Then he asked if I could just come by his place and drop it off. Sure! Why not? It's just my damn birthday. Let me do even MORE for friends. But, I said yes. Then he said that he's not going to be there so can I just drop off the knee brace. Ummm....what? How would I get my camera? Oh yeah...I wouldn't. I finally said no.

Moral of the story is enough is enough. I've got a trip this weekend that I planned for my birthday. There's not even an ounce of me that is looking forward to this trip. I did all the planning. I did all the begging to get people to go. I've learned that if I want something done for me..I have to do it myself. And that sucks. I just want others to care about me as much as I do about them.

Well, after this weekend, since the room is already booked and all, I'm making a birthday resolution. Stop saying yes. Stop trying to please people. Stop letting people hurt me. Somehow. Sigh.

Now, to tie it all in...I definitely blame ADHD. I realize that one of my short comings is my attention to detail and I don't listen as well as I should. I really try to but I am easily distracted. I do try listening and just forget things. So, to make up for that I've always tried really hard to be a great friend. I'm still gonna be friendly but damn if I'm not tired of being the doormat. I'm exhausted. I thought writing this would make me feel better but really, I need a friend to talk to...

I'm so ready to move away from here.

Today was rough...

So, as I promised, I have not been updating this as often as I would like. That's just how it goes...life happens. So, I'm going to attempt to write in this more often but I just can't guarantee anything. But, I thought I'd write today because it's been a rather rough day. I'm learning that with ADHD (and not that I'm blaming everything on that) but I do have some pretty extreme high's and lows. Today unfortunately was a low day. It happens when I get frustrated and today was a day of frustration. I wish I could say that it was something in particular, but it really wasn't.

See, my main frustration is my job. I absolutely love my job but feel that I am at one of the lowest positions I've ever been in since getting out of college. And this...scares the shit out of me. I'm a coordinator and know that I'm worth much more. There is a stigma that goes with being the coordinator. Being the low man on the totem pole I get to do such tasks as making copies and well, whatever others don't want to do. You don't want to call a company? Ohhh just give it to me...I'll do it. You don't want to mail something? Just tell me...I'll do it. Wait. You have to count out 150 hand sanitizers. No worries! That's what I got my master's degree for. I've got it!

Yes, that's the tasks that I do. I want to do so much more and I'm blaming my ADHD b/c I'm extremely inpatient. I just know that I can do much more than they let me. I'm trying to prove myself and in the meantime I'm overextending myself. I wish I could stay late at work but I come in about an hour early everyday b/c I'm a morning person and find that I'm just exhausted by 5pm. I'm the go to person in the department. If there is something someone doesn't want to do or feels they shouldn't...they know I won't say no. I can't help it. I want to succeed and I want others to see the value in me. So, I get walked on. I try to stand up for myself because I have one helluva manager. (She is a friend that was recently promoted and she, in my opinion, could run the entire place because she's just that smart.) But, she sees the potential in me...I think...but even she gets tired of my questions sometimes, I'm sure. But that's just it...she never shows it. But, I guess that's good I guess, considering others do.

Here's something that really got me down. Well, there are two things. Last night, the ex-boyfriend that I thought was a good friend...well, I overheard him making fun of me. Someone said he was checking me out and he made it very apparent how gross I am....even using that word. The respect I had for him kinda went out the window. Then, today at work I was made fun of by one of the specialists. It just so happens that it's one of the specialists that I can do circles around with my intelligence...but it's all in who you know and she's a specialist and I'm a coordinator. (Specialist is a higher position.)

Basically, what I'm getting at is that it just doesn't take much to knock me down and those two things...well, they really did it. I'm sure tomorrow will be a better day because that's the thing with me..I just don't let things keep me down.

So, in closing, I am writing all of this out because if even one person reads this and it helps them to see that they aren't the only one experiencing such difficulties, then I've done what I've intended to do.

My (almost) missed appointment…

So, it’s a beautiful Saturday morning and it’s time for me to wake up and get started with my day. I had an 11:15am appointment with my psychologist, and I was actually looking forward to it. I know there are some out there that either don’t buy in to the whole idea of a psychiatrist or they just don’t think they would enjoy it, but I actually do. Granted, I’ve only gone twice so far…but each time I’ve left feeling much better than I did when I was walking in to the appointment.

I was ready to go…all except for the fact that I did not know the address of where I was going. No problem though. I thought I would just make sure to leave plenty early enough so I could drive around and find the place. See, I just recently bought a brand new car so driving is not really an issue to me. I love doing it…especially in my new car. So I’m driving…and I’m driving…and I’m driving. Basically getting nowhere. I thought for sure that I would remember where I was going but yeah, I didn’t. Then, as I’m driving I remember that I had forgotten to take my Focalin. Not good. So now I’m getting nervous about the fact that I didn’t take my meds, I’m getting frustrated that I’m not finding the place and even more irritated at the fact that this all could’ve been avoided had I taken a card on my first visit.

This is all just another daily happening when dealing with ADHD. I thought for sure that I would remember where the office was, so I didn’t write down the address or take a card (procrastination). I then decided to place blame on the office staff because they should’ve called me to ensure that I was still going to make it in for the appointment (total avoidance).

Granted, I finally did find the place and although I was a bit flustered in the beginning, I explained all of this to my therapist and everything was fine. I’m learning more and more each day on how to not only get by with ADHD but ultimately live with and overcome many of the difficulties that I had been handling daily. So, that being said, I’m also trying to make sure to write in this blog so I can hear from others to see what troubles they deal with when it comes to living with ADHD.

My frustrations with ADHD

Today I think I'll write about one of my many frustrations with living with ADHD.

I'm worth more than people think I am. I realize I have a lot of making up to do, considering how late I was in getting diagnosed but now that I've realized my true potential, it's my goal to make others...especially those I work with...see that I've got what it takes. See, I was only recenlty diagnosed and I'm 31 but I still find it very frustrating when people don't see my worth. let's take my job for example. in the beginning I was doing very well then around the six month mark things started to go from bad to worse. I was getting used to that considering my past employment history but I decided to take charge. iwent to the doctor and with his help, I've really done much better...but try explaining that to some people.

I've been at my job for one year and one month now, I hold a master's degree and I'm sitting at the lowest spot on the proverbial totem poll. Now that I see how far I've come, I've made it a goal for others to see that as well. This, is not an easy task. Sure, I still mess up some times but I chalk that up to being human. I feel like I go in each day giving around 110% but feel that the people that need to notice...well, they don't because they are used to the old Jayne that was a disorganized mess. Not sure how to change this but feel that if I keep posting on here that maybe...just maybe someone will read this and have some tips and tricks that can help me out.

What? A second post? No way!

So, I've been taking my meds for about 9 months now. I started off with 5mg of Ritalin 3 times per day. I realized soon after that I should be taking 10mg and after talking with my psychiatrist, I increased my dosage. Then on a visit about three months ago, he changed me over to Focalin - an extended release version of ritalin. Although I don't get the immediate burst that I do from Ritalin, Dr. Braun definitely knew what he was doing.

here's how I konw my medicaion is working. Yesterday I was driving in to work when I realized I had not taken my mornind dose. Waht's worse is that I left it at home. it's usually in my purse but I had cleanded my purse out and forgotten to put them back in.

I drove in to work a bit nervous on how the day was going to go but I didn't think it could go that wrong. boy was I wrong! During our weekly meeting I was on edge and spouted off to a co-worker that I would normally never disrespect as I have a ton of respect for him. He's one of the best people there...but then again, that's not an easy thing for me to say because I value each person that I work with in my department. Wroking is an easy place to go into when you work with intelligent, hard working and just all around great people.

But, as I normally do, I digress...so back on topic!

So, I made it till around 10:45am when I finally got up the nerve and asked to leave. I explained that I had forgotten to take my meds and I needed to run home to get them. I ran home, took the meds, came back and the day went much smoother. I will admit that I was quite exhausted, but that was due to the stress that I put myself through that morning. But that day was the wake up call that I needed that not only were the meds working but I had done the right thing in finally going to get tested.

A little bit about me...

I guess I'm just going to jump right in.

I was diagnosed with Adult Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder almost one year ago. I finally decided to get tested after jumping from relationship to relationship and job to job. I had talked with my mom about my concerns (she and I are incredibly close) and she had wanted to talk to me about that as well but she was afraid of upsetting me. See, I have a temper and a short fuse. Say the wrong thing and you're toast!

So, I went to see a psychiatrist that a great friend had highly recommended and things went very well. But before I get into my appointment, I would like to go even further back to explain the signs I was noticing.

Employment

I've lived in South Florida since 2003. I was a teacher from 2004-2006...then I moved to marketing. I was at my first marketing job, Hostway, for about nine months before getting laid off. from there I moved to Neptune Society where I lasted about three months before making my exit. Then came Morevisibilit. I disliked that job from the first day of employment and was gone before the 90 days was up.

There were two or three other jobs fore I finally landed where I am now...Mednax. Now, not every day is sunshine and diasies, but since being here I've really learned that I'm good at what I do. no, I'm damn good at what I do. It wasn't the job that made me realize that though, it was my psychiatrist and Ritalin.

Relationships

Another characteristic of ADHD is not being able to hold down a long term relationship. All signs pointed to ADHD on this one. I thought dating for a month or so was long-term. Don't get me wrong. I did finally find an amazing guy and we were together for almost a year but it too, came to an end. He would claim I wasn't listening to him or paying attentino. The problem was, i was trying to but just couldn't. Recalling dates was incredibly tough and I knwo it came off as if I just didn't care. I c an honestly say that my one regret, if you would call it that, is wishing I had gotten tested sooner.

My Psychiatrist

Now that you know about my past, I will quickly bring you up to speed. iwent to my first appointment with Dr. Braun and I was scared. I didn't know what to expect but after being chastised, made fun of and frustrated the way I have, I knew I had nothing to lose.

I was correct. The testing went well and then it was on to the experimental phase (as I like to call it). I was put on 5mg of Ritalin 3x per day. From day one of taking my meds I noticed a huge difference. I was understanding and more importantly, recalling, my work. I was doing much better and my boss even told me she was seeing the difference. That in itself was huge because still to this day I'm completely convinced that my boss doesn't like me and although I've learned that I don't need her to, I do wish that she did because she's an intelligent person that I could learn a lot from.

At home, I was getting chores finished rather than stopping half way through. With my friends I was holding better conversations...meaning I was staying with the conversations.

it hasn't all been perfect since starting the meds but just knowing that there was a problem and working to change things (notice I didn't say solve - as it's a daily struggle) has really changed me.

So, stay tuned as I have a lot to share. i am hoping to make this blog my way of helping those out there that are facing similar struggles. I realize that ADHD is not the end of the world but to a person living with it...sometimes it can feel that way.