Trying to get it all together...

It's definitely been a while since my last post, which happened to be on my birthday and I have to say that there have definitely been a lot of changes in my life...some for the better and some not so much. I'll start with the better...

I finally have my own place. This is huge for me as I was living with a roommate and in a situation that I had wanted to be out of for over a year. See, I try really hard to please others, many times at my own personal expense. My living situation was one of those times. My roommate at the time, she's nice enough...but I was just very unhappy living with her. I wanted to move out over a year ago but when I approached her she asked me to give her one more year. I really didn't want to but I felt terrible so I said fine. Again, although I was unhappy, I didn't want her to be...so I sucked it up and lived with her for yet another year which proved to be a huge mistake. Now that I'm out of there, she and I don't talk anymore and that's not exactly how I wanted things to end. We are in a bit of a mess with the deposit and where I usually, well, always back down and just take it...this time I feel...no I know I'm in the right and I just can't budge so we aren't really talking. It sucks but damnit...for once I'm sticking up for myself...which I've learned through the ADHD books...isn't always that easy. No, I'm not blaming the ADHD but just saying it's something I've learned as many times that damn ADHD gets in the way of a person's confidence level...as it has mine.

So, that being said, I now live on my own with my two incredible chihuahuas, and that part of my life is happy. Other than that though..things are still a complete mess...which is where you, my loyal readers (if there are any) come into play. I need to get my finances on track..something that is ridiculously hard for me to figure out. Again, not blaming the ADHD but there was a complete chapter on finances and whatnot and how they can spiral out of control for people with ADHD. So, how do I get things on track? What can I do to get things figured out in a way that makes sense in my jumbled up brain?

Who knew that one aspect, finances, could really ruin a persons personality? I am a go-getter. I'm an out-going person. Or well, I was. Lately, I'm only comfortable if I'm home alone. I've never seen myself as a non-social person yet lately, getting me out of the house is almost impossible. I have noticed in myself a huge decline in my desire to be around others and it's well...depressing.

That's all for now. Hopefully my next time writing won't be six months...but then again, who knows? Right now I've gotta get things on track.

Today was rough...

So, as I promised, I have not been updating this as often as I would like. That's just how it goes...life happens. So, I'm going to attempt to write in this more often but I just can't guarantee anything. But, I thought I'd write today because it's been a rather rough day. I'm learning that with ADHD (and not that I'm blaming everything on that) but I do have some pretty extreme high's and lows. Today unfortunately was a low day. It happens when I get frustrated and today was a day of frustration. I wish I could say that it was something in particular, but it really wasn't.

See, my main frustration is my job. I absolutely love my job but feel that I am at one of the lowest positions I've ever been in since getting out of college. And this...scares the shit out of me. I'm a coordinator and know that I'm worth much more. There is a stigma that goes with being the coordinator. Being the low man on the totem pole I get to do such tasks as making copies and well, whatever others don't want to do. You don't want to call a company? Ohhh just give it to me...I'll do it. You don't want to mail something? Just tell me...I'll do it. Wait. You have to count out 150 hand sanitizers. No worries! That's what I got my master's degree for. I've got it!

Yes, that's the tasks that I do. I want to do so much more and I'm blaming my ADHD b/c I'm extremely inpatient. I just know that I can do much more than they let me. I'm trying to prove myself and in the meantime I'm overextending myself. I wish I could stay late at work but I come in about an hour early everyday b/c I'm a morning person and find that I'm just exhausted by 5pm. I'm the go to person in the department. If there is something someone doesn't want to do or feels they shouldn't...they know I won't say no. I can't help it. I want to succeed and I want others to see the value in me. So, I get walked on. I try to stand up for myself because I have one helluva manager. (She is a friend that was recently promoted and she, in my opinion, could run the entire place because she's just that smart.) But, she sees the potential in me...I think...but even she gets tired of my questions sometimes, I'm sure. But that's just it...she never shows it. But, I guess that's good I guess, considering others do.

Here's something that really got me down. Well, there are two things. Last night, the ex-boyfriend that I thought was a good friend...well, I overheard him making fun of me. Someone said he was checking me out and he made it very apparent how gross I am....even using that word. The respect I had for him kinda went out the window. Then, today at work I was made fun of by one of the specialists. It just so happens that it's one of the specialists that I can do circles around with my intelligence...but it's all in who you know and she's a specialist and I'm a coordinator. (Specialist is a higher position.)

Basically, what I'm getting at is that it just doesn't take much to knock me down and those two things...well, they really did it. I'm sure tomorrow will be a better day because that's the thing with me..I just don't let things keep me down.

So, in closing, I am writing all of this out because if even one person reads this and it helps them to see that they aren't the only one experiencing such difficulties, then I've done what I've intended to do.