Frustration and Exhaustion...

So...I realize it's been awhile but seeing as it's my birthday and I've got absolutely no plans, I feel that it's time to write on here.

Is a symptom of ADHD where you try too hard to make things right? I'm really thinking it is. I always try to make sure my friends are happy, are having a good time and they are doing okay. I wish it was reciprocated even 50% of what I do for others. That whole do unto others thing...it's foreign down here in Florida and yet I keep on trying...and feeling even more let down with each attempt.

Here's the situation. Birthdays have always and will always be something very important to me. When it's a friends birthday...a close friend...a Facebook post or ecard just won't do. I want to see that friend and make sure they are having the happiest of birthdays. Others don't feel the same I'm noticing yet I feel that if they know how important birthdays are to me...I would hope they would know that I want something special done on my birthday. Yeah...unless I plan it and do all the work...it ain't gonna happen.

Let's take for instance my roommate. Lord knows I'm ready to move out and pretty much completely unhappy living here. Have been for almost a year now. We were supposed to end the lease in February, or at least that's when the lease was up, and I told her I wanted to move out but she asked for one more year and I caved. Just one of the many times I suck up the fact that I'm unhappy to make sure others are happy. So, now I'm going on year three of living in my bedroom just to escape hanging out and being around another person...because I'm realizing with each passing day that I really need my space.

But, I digress. Although I've been unhappy....her birthday came so I bought balloons and drinks (spent more than I should've, but I've done that many times because again, their happiness over mine) and paid for my ticket to go on the boat ride. I will say that she put the boat ride together but that's because she has the connections. Regardless, I got balloons and drinks and whatnot, all to make sure she's happy. Now skip forward to today, my birthday. I got a text around 7pm saying sorry I didn't text sooner, happy birthday. That's it. Not to sound unappreciative but F for effort. I'm just hoping she remembers to buy the beer she "borrowed" from me for her best friends birthday party this past weekend.  Somehow I'm finding that highly doubtful since the last thing she "borrowed" (cereal) was replaced by her...only to be eaten again.

Exhaustion.

Next part of the horrible birthday. I'm on a kickball team that is all around awesome. We are known for doing themes each week. I text messaged the captain, who happens to be one of the most awesome people in the world and one of my best friends, to ask what the theme was. Her response was that there wasn't one. So I was like, what about a birthday theme? Yeah...I was already that desperate that I threw it out there that it was my birthday. She said she forgot my birthday was so soon (mind you we are going on a trip this weekend for my birthday...that I planned all by myself...so the birthday wasn't exactly top secret) but I'll get to that later. She told me to text the other captain to have him send an email out. Thanks but no thanks. I don't really want to tell people to come celebrate my birthday. I might as well walk up to people and tell them to wish me happy birthday. Sincerity just isn't there.

No harm, no foul.

So, that was last night, then this morning I went in to work feeling pretty blue about my birthday and it wasn't even 8am yet. Sure, I got a lot of facebook posts, and not unappreciative of those in the least...they were awesome to get throughout the day...but was hoping for a little something more from my friends. So I go into work. I mentioned last week that my birthday was today and I've talked about the upcoming trip for my birthday, numerous times. Nothing. My mom sent me flowers and when people around the office noticed the flowers (around 4pm) they asked why I got the flowers and I said for my birthday. They were like, ohhhh when's your birthday? I was like, today. They said, "Oh...I didn't realize. Oh well, we'll get you next year." And that was that. Thanks guys. I feel very much a "part of the group" for sure. Suck it.

The one saving grace was my very bestest friend asking me to dinner. Granted..she wanted me to drive and meet her halfway b/c she lives a bit north. I was kind of bummed that for my birthday I would need to meet halfway and after driving home from work (which is farther than her place) the last thing I wanted to do was drive a distance again. So, I declined. Then as the night wore on, I realized I needed a friend to talk to so I told her exactly that. I had told her I'd been crying pretty much throughout the day and it's been pretty much....no it's definitely been the worst birthday...and I was in need of a friend to talk to...and she told me she was already home but I could come up to her place. I told her thanks but I didn't want to drive all the way up there again considering I drive that distance for work already and just tired of driving so much.

Oh and the last thing...and I'm sure by now if there were readers, they've stopped, but then there's the ex. He and I have remained great friends. Last night he needed a ride to the games so I picked him up. He left his knee brace in my car. So today he asked if we could meet up. He has my camera and I've got his knee brace so I said sure. Then he asked if I could just come by his place and drop it off. Sure! Why not? It's just my damn birthday. Let me do even MORE for friends. But, I said yes. Then he said that he's not going to be there so can I just drop off the knee brace. Ummm....what? How would I get my camera? Oh yeah...I wouldn't. I finally said no.

Moral of the story is enough is enough. I've got a trip this weekend that I planned for my birthday. There's not even an ounce of me that is looking forward to this trip. I did all the planning. I did all the begging to get people to go. I've learned that if I want something done for me..I have to do it myself. And that sucks. I just want others to care about me as much as I do about them.

Well, after this weekend, since the room is already booked and all, I'm making a birthday resolution. Stop saying yes. Stop trying to please people. Stop letting people hurt me. Somehow. Sigh.

Now, to tie it all in...I definitely blame ADHD. I realize that one of my short comings is my attention to detail and I don't listen as well as I should. I really try to but I am easily distracted. I do try listening and just forget things. So, to make up for that I've always tried really hard to be a great friend. I'm still gonna be friendly but damn if I'm not tired of being the doormat. I'm exhausted. I thought writing this would make me feel better but really, I need a friend to talk to...

I'm so ready to move away from here.