So, as I promised, I have not been updating this as often as I would like. That's just how it goes...life happens. So, I'm going to attempt to write in this more often but I just can't guarantee anything. But, I thought I'd write today because it's been a rather rough day. I'm learning that with ADHD (and not that I'm blaming everything on that) but I do have some pretty extreme high's and lows. Today unfortunately was a low day. It happens when I get frustrated and today was a day of frustration. I wish I could say that it was something in particular, but it really wasn't.
See, my main frustration is my job. I absolutely love my job but feel that I am at one of the lowest positions I've ever been in since getting out of college. And this...scares the shit out of me. I'm a coordinator and know that I'm worth much more. There is a stigma that goes with being the coordinator. Being the low man on the totem pole I get to do such tasks as making copies and well, whatever others don't want to do. You don't want to call a company? Ohhh just give it to me...I'll do it. You don't want to mail something? Just tell me...I'll do it. Wait. You have to count out 150 hand sanitizers. No worries! That's what I got my master's degree for. I've got it!
Yes, that's the tasks that I do. I want to do so much more and I'm blaming my ADHD b/c I'm extremely inpatient. I just know that I can do much more than they let me. I'm trying to prove myself and in the meantime I'm overextending myself. I wish I could stay late at work but I come in about an hour early everyday b/c I'm a morning person and find that I'm just exhausted by 5pm. I'm the go to person in the department. If there is something someone doesn't want to do or feels they shouldn't...they know I won't say no. I can't help it. I want to succeed and I want others to see the value in me. So, I get walked on. I try to stand up for myself because I have one helluva manager. (She is a friend that was recently promoted and she, in my opinion, could run the entire place because she's just that smart.) But, she sees the potential in me...I think...but even she gets tired of my questions sometimes, I'm sure. But that's just it...she never shows it. But, I guess that's good I guess, considering others do.
Here's something that really got me down. Well, there are two things. Last night, the ex-boyfriend that I thought was a good friend...well, I overheard him making fun of me. Someone said he was checking me out and he made it very apparent how gross I am....even using that word. The respect I had for him kinda went out the window. Then, today at work I was made fun of by one of the specialists. It just so happens that it's one of the specialists that I can do circles around with my intelligence...but it's all in who you know and she's a specialist and I'm a coordinator. (Specialist is a higher position.)
Basically, what I'm getting at is that it just doesn't take much to knock me down and those two things...well, they really did it. I'm sure tomorrow will be a better day because that's the thing with me..I just don't let things keep me down.
So, in closing, I am writing all of this out because if even one person reads this and it helps them to see that they aren't the only one experiencing such difficulties, then I've done what I've intended to do.
My name is Jayne, although I go by Sparkles, and after much consideration (and procrastination) I'm finally starting my ADHD blog. I would've started sooner but one of the stigmas of ADHD is the art of procrastination. That being said, please do not look for this to be updated on a daily basis. I do have a goal of at least one entry per week, but it's just that, a goal, and I am going to work at it.
